Losing a loved one is hard, and writing a eulogy is a difficult task during times of grief. It’s even more challenging if you’re wondering how to handle negative aspects of the deceased’s life in the speech.
Eulogies are a way to pay tribute and honor the deceased, which means not mentioning any grudges. To help you through this process, here’s a guide on handling the not-so-pleasant subjects.
Addressing Negativity in a Eulogy
Q: What kinds of negative aspects might come up in a eulogy?
A: Relationships are complicated, and sometimes, people have disagreements and fights, which can result in long-held grudges. Negative aspects of one’s life also include things like addiction to alcohol and drugs, or even abuse.
When writing a eulogy for the deceased, you may already have mixed emotions about their passing. Reading out a eulogy that’s untrue can feel wrong.
Q: How do I avoid being too negative?
A: You don't have to lie about the deceased's life and make it seem like everything was sunshine and rainbows. Family and friends of the deceased will know the truth and will find it hard to relate and share your grief.
You can briefly mention the tougher subjects. However, there's no need to discuss these negative feelings or events too much. Eulogies are a way to honor and celebrate the deceased's life. By being too negative, you may hurt the family or friends of the deceased and make the audience uncomfortable.
For example, if you found the deceased difficult or had a bad experience with them, don’t bring it up in the eulogy. This can create animosity, and people will find it highly disrespectful.
If you can’t write the eulogy without bringing up negative aspects, consider having someone else do it.
Q: What if I feel I must mention something negative?
A: If you absolutely must mention negativity because it was a big part of the deceased's life, like alcohol addiction, allude to it gently.
You can use words like "struggled" or "battled" with whatever negative aspect you want to talk about. Just say it in a manner that’s not accusatory to avoid offending anyone.
Q: How can I balance negative and positive aspects?
A: Including positive aspects throughout the speech will take away from the more challenging subjects. If you say something negative, follow it up with something positive.
For example, if the person struggled with alcoholism, you can talk about the times they fought it or other positive aspects of their life besides their addictions.
Q: Should I end with the negative aspects?
A: No. If you've put negative thoughts or feelings into your eulogy, don’t finish with them. This could make the people listening even more upset than they already are. It might be seen as rude and could insult the family members listening.
To avoid this situation, finish your speech on a cheerful note since it's a tribute to the deceased’s life.
Q: Should I ask others for guidance about what to include?
A: Yes. If you're unsure whether to include something, your intuition is telling you not to. Ask the deceased's friends and family for their opinion on what you should include.
Remember, whatever you speak about may be hurtful to the family. If something is particularly uncomfortable or highly sensitive, ask family members or friends before including it.
Related: How to Start a Eulogy
Strong Emotions in a Eulogy
Q: Is it OK to express hatred or anger in a eulogy?
A: Anger and hatred are strong emotions and sometimes go hand-in-hand with relationships. However, it’s never OK to express hatred for the deceased in the eulogy.
Regardless of your feelings, this can be extremely offensive and hurtful to other family members and make the audience uncomfortable.
If you have the honor of writing a eulogy for someone you've had a complicated relationship with, you can be honest without coming across as harsh.
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Remember, a eulogy is not the time nor place for revenge. Writing a eulogy full of hate can hurt the people listening and damage your relationship with them.
You might think letting out all your pent-up anger and emotions will help with the grieving process. However, it can cause feelings of regret later on.
Q: Should I avoid negativity in the eulogy altogether?
A: We're all human, and no one is perfect, so you don't have to avoid negativity in a eulogy altogether because you still want to be honest.
Ethicist Matt Beard explains: "I don't think we do anyone a favor by holding them up on a pedestal and pretending like they were more than what they were, or to make them less than what they were."
There are ways to include negative aspects in a eulogy that don't come across as hurtful.
If you choose to include negative aspects of the deceased's life in your eulogy, don’t spend too much time discussing them. One thing people forget when writing a eulogy is not to make it all about them and their feelings. Spending too much talking about your negative feelings can come across as selfish.
When choosing to include negative or sensitive topics in your eulogy, carefully allude to them. Speak in a respectful tone rather than an accusatory one.
Tips for Including Positivity
Q: How can I share happy memories if I mostly feel negative?
A: Don’t share any sad or upsetting memories in your eulogy, especially in a melancholy setting like a funeral. Think of the times when you enjoyed the deceased's company. Sometimes, a happy memory doesn't have to be particularly significant. For example, some people's happiest memories with their loved ones are just sitting and watching TV together.
Q: Can I talk about the deceased’s contributions to others?
A: Yes. Talk about the deceased's contributions to others, and how they helped people, friends and the local community. Even if you have negative emotions about them, someone the deceased helped may feel differently. This helps you focus on keeping the eulogy positive.
Q: What if I didn’t have a close or positive relationship with them?
A: You can still speak about their passions and character. Regardless of how you feel about the deceased, you can always talk about their passions and hobbies. This helps the audience connect with the deceased and get to know them better.
You can also highlight the positive aspects of their character. If they were funny, generous, ambitious, caring or hard-working, people will appreciate hearing about their positive attributes.
Q: Should I mention their positive relationships with others?
A: Yes. Highlight their positive relationships. For example, even if you didn’t get along with them as well as you would have liked, somebody else likely had a wonderful experience with them. Talk about their positive relationships, whether it was with family, friends, work colleagues or even a mentee. Share the most important parts of their life.
Q: Is it helpful to focus on accomplishments?
A: Absolutely. Talking about the deceased's accomplishments is a good way to distract yourself from negative emotions like hate and anger. Focus on their life and work. Did they raise children or grandchildren? Did they serve their country? Did they excel in their career? These are all positive subjects to keep the tone of the eulogy light-hearted.
Q: Can humor be used to soften negativity?
A: Yes — but keep it lighthearted and appropriate. Use light-hearted humor to soften the negative things you talk about. You can also use humor when writing the eulogy to make it a little more positive if you're battling to keep it light and non-confrontational. Just be sure whatever humor you use is not offensive or inappropriate to the time and place.
The Bottom Line
Writing a eulogy for someone you hold animosity toward is difficult, but including positive aspects is important.
If you choose to bring up negative aspects, keep them brief, use gentle language, and balance them with happy memories, contributions, accomplishments, or positive traits. Don’t let hatred or bitterness dominate your words — it won’t help you heal, and it will hurt those who are grieving.
Handled with honesty and compassion, your eulogy can acknowledge reality while still celebrating the life of the person who has passed.
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