Dealing with the aftermath of a loved one's passing is stressful. Writing a eulogy can be equally overwhelming, especially if you’re not sure what to include and what to avoid.
While you do have flexibility in what you choose to say, there are certain things best left out to honor the deceased’s memory and respect the grieving family.
What to Avoid When Writing a Eulogy
Q: Should I share embarrassing stories about the deceased?
A: No. Everyone has an embarrassing moment or two, but a funeral is not the time to recount them.
Unless the deceased explicitly gave permission beforehand, including such details can feel disrespectful to their memory and potentially embarrass their family or close friends. A eulogy should always remain dignified and respectful.
Q: Can I include private or confidential matters?
A: Avoid revealing private or sensitive details such as medical conditions, finances, family disputes, or personal history. Oversharing can cause pain or embarrassment for the family.
A good rule of thumb: Include only what you would feel comfortable sharing with strangers. If you’re unsure, consult the family before finalizing the speech.
Q: Should I talk about the specific details of how they died?
A: Generally, no. If the death involved addiction, suicide, or traumatic circumstances, sharing explicit details is usually in poor taste unless the family specifically requests it. Sometimes legal or investigative reasons also make this inappropriate.
The words spoken at a funeral can significantly affect the emotional and psychological state of attendees. During such times, when emotions are heightened, the right words can offer solace — or, if not carefully chosen, inadvertently deepen grief.
Focusing on the life lived rather than the circumstances of death helps preserve the dignity of the deceased and aids attendees in remembering the positive aspects of their life.
Q: Is it OK to bring up past grudges or resentment?
A: Never. Eulogies are not the place to revisit old hurts, conflicts, or family rifts. Mentioning these can reopen wounds or create new tension during a time meant for healing.
Eulogy writer Rich Szewczyk advises: “Don’t focus on negative memories, thoughts or stories about the deceased. You are telling their life story and honoring them. Incorporating faults, shortcomings, old hurts, grudges, family rifts, and past arguments in your speech is never a good idea.”
Q: How much should I talk about myself?
A: It’s natural to express your grief, but don’t let the eulogy become centered on your own feelings.
The purpose is to honor the deceased — their life, accomplishments, and the impact they had on others. Share personal stories and reflections, but keep the spotlight on them, not you.
Q: Can I say what I think the deceased would want me to say?
A: Avoid putting words into their mouth. Instead of guessing what they “would have said,” use their actual sayings, favorite poems, or memorable quotes.
Adding opinions or phrases that don’t reflect who they truly were is disrespectful and undermines the authenticity of your tribute.
Q: What if the eulogy feels too impersonal?
A: A eulogy should not sound like a résumé or a list of accomplishments. While achievements matter, the speech should tell a story, capture their personality, and share moments that bring them to life for the audience. Keep the tone respectful but also warm and personal.
Q: Can I go off-topic or improvise?
A: It’s best to stay focused and organized. Rambling, adding irrelevant details, or drifting into tangents can dilute your message and lose the audience’s attention.
Avoid going off on tangents that may confuse mourners or distract from the tribute. Stick to key points, anecdotes, and memories that highlight the deceased’s life and character. Be concise in your storytelling while still conveying depth and emotion.
It’s also best to avoid irrelevant information or personal opinions that may not resonate with everyone at the service. Keep in mind that you are speaking to a grieving audience — clarity and respect matter more than showing off your writing ability or wit.
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Q: Is humor ever appropriate in a eulogy?
A: Yes, if it’s tasteful and reflects the personality of the deceased. Humor can bring warmth and help the audience process grief — but it should never come at the expense of dignity or respect.
Darcey Peterson, a professional eulogy writer in Washington state, advises: “Don’t be afraid to use bits of appropriate well-placed humor. Humor is as universal as sadness. Humor and laughter can help us process grief very much in the same way as crying can.”
Related: Can a Eulogy Be Funny?
What to Do When Writing a Eulogy
Q: How can I make the eulogy more meaningful?
A: Tell stories. Share anecdotes and memories that capture who the deceased really was.
Peterson advises: “The best eulogies are always derived from our stories. It’s so much more powerful to show the world who someone was, rather than just tell them. Capture your loved one through storytelling. What stories come to mind first when you think of your loved one?”
Before writing the eulogy, gather stories from family members and close friends and pick the most poignant ones to include.
Baltimore funeral director Vaughn Greene advises: “In your grief, you may forget crucial details that should be included, so involving others can be a wonderful way to make sure no important information is overlooked.”
Q: Who should the eulogy focus on?
A: The deceased. While it’s fine to mention others close to them, the speech should always center on their life, character, and impact. Include accomplishments, quirks, and sayings that reflect their personality.
If they had a good sense of humor, including one of their favorite jokes or lighthearted sayings can add authenticity.
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Q: Should I include my own relationship with them?
A: Yes, but selectively. Share how they influenced your life, the lessons they taught you, or the memories you’ll cherish most. This makes the eulogy more personal and heartfelt while still keeping the focus on the deceased.
Q: Do I need to think about who's in the audience?
A: Absolutely. Considering your audience is crucial when writing a eulogy. Ask yourself: Who will be there? Will it be mostly close family, a mix of friends and coworkers, or members of a broader community?
Think about age, culture, and expectations. For example, older relatives may prefer a more traditional, formal tone and could be uncomfortable if the eulogy feels too casual or unconventional. Younger audiences, on the other hand, may appreciate a more personal or creative approach.
Balancing these expectations helps ensure the speech resonates with everyone while still reflecting the personality of the deceased.
Q: How do I ensure the eulogy feels authentic?
A: Speak from the heart. Templates and AI tools can provide structure, but ultimately, a meaningful eulogy comes from your own reflections and emotions. Put in the effort to personalize it, and your words will resonate far more deeply with the audience.
Examples of Good and Bad Eulogies
Q: What does a bad eulogy look like?
A: Here’s an example:
“Hello, everyone. My name is Sharon, and I am the daughter of Steve. I never spent much time with my dad, and frankly, there's not much I can share about our time together. Nonetheless, I would like to take this opportunity to talk a little more about my father.
"Everyone who knew him knew he loved to work and how many hours he would put in at the office. My mother can attest to this, and so can my many missed soccer games. So it came as no surprise he died of a heart attack at work. When he did have time, my dad could be the funniest to be around. He was always making jokes, and most of them were about my poor mathematical skills.
"So, here's to you, Dad. We'll miss you in some way.”
The tone here is negative and disrespectful. It highlights grudges, includes a tasteless joke about death, and risks embarrassing another family member. Instead of honoring the deceased, it puts focus on conflict and personal resentment.
Q: What does a strong, positive eulogy sound like?
A: Here’s an example:
“Dear friends and family, I am so honored to be here to celebrate the life of Bill. He was my grandfather and someone who played a special role in my life. He was a friend, my biggest supporter, and he always had candy hidden away from his wife, Lucy. Sorry, Grandma.
"He was well-loved by the community and would often help out at the local picnics or whenever a neighbor needed something. He always had a smile and joke for anyone feeling down and lent a shoulder to cry on when needed.
"In both his personal and work life, my grandfather had a truly admirable ethic. He taught me what it meant to be responsible, ambitious and kind.
"So, let us not dwell on his passing but celebrate his life, the love he gave, and the lessons he taught us. I know he's smiling down on us now.”
This example is heartfelt, respectful, and personal. It uses stories to bring the deceased to life, balances humor with dignity, and keeps the focus on honoring the individual rather than the speaker.
The Bottom Line
A good eulogy honors the life of the deceased while offering comfort to those grieving. Avoid negativity, grudges, private details, or inappropriate humor. Instead, tell stories, center your words on the deceased, share heartfelt memories, and always consider the audience.
When done well, a eulogy is not just a farewell — it’s a celebration of a life lived, a source of healing for mourners, and a lasting tribute that people will remember long after the funeral ends.
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